My Angel..

So today I have been in a great mood. I had a lot of fun today. What I am going to write about is something random that was just brought to my attention again. I have some thoughts I want to turn into written words...and I'm pretty sure this is the first time I have ever done so regarding this subject. For a long time (few years now) I have kept these thoughts and feelings inside. They cross my mind from time to time but it's something I always hold in. It's something I'll always hold on to...and never forget. I just saw the following status on facebook and decided to repost along with my friend. "Today we remember babies who were born asleep, or whom we have carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. Baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In the memory of all lost angels."


Reading this status brings me back to September 2008. I was 9 weeks pregnant with my second child and I went in for my first ultra sound. I was already showing a bit.  At the time, I was more into Myspace than Facebook so naturally I had my entire page done up about expecting a baby with all kind of army icons and cut little baby prints. All week I was so anxious to get to see my little munchkin. The pregnancy came by surprise but once I knew I could not wait to see my little being. I walked into the office at the hospital on Fort Knox and the nurse took me over to the bed. I laid down and felt my excitement building as she started the ultra sound. It didnt take long for me to realize what I was looking at wasn't normal. I remember saying "that doesn't even look like a baby." The nurse sent me immediately to Radiology to get a vaginal screening. At this point all I knew is the nurse could not find a heartbeat. As the doctor continued with the second ultra sound a saddened expression came across her face. She brought her hand to her mouth as she turned to me. "I'm sorry but I don't think this is going to be a viable pregnancy." I was confused at first as to what she meant and then it hit me. She explained to me that it looked like the baby died and stopped developing. She sat there with me a for a moment to make sure I was ok and cried with me. She handed me a box of tissues, I sent a text to my husband telling him I had to talk to him when I got home. He kept texting me over and over again concerned but I just couldnt bring myself to answer. There are no words for what I felt and went through the next week. It was the deepest sadness I have ever felt in my life and it took me quite a while to get over it. Over the course of that week, I had a few more ultra sounds done just to make sure they were right before performing the D&C. They gave me a packet about grieving and losing a child. Thank the Lord they put me to sleep for the procedure. I did not want to be awake to know what was happening. Instead, I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a MACK truck. For a long time I didnt want to talk to anyone. I ignored a lot of calls. I didn't want to be touched. I just wanted to be alone. I updated everyone through either a text or myspace but I didnt have enough energy to talk to anyone except my parents and best friend. I cried...a lot. My husband was getting ready to leave to go into the field so my friend Heather came to keep me company. As much as I wanted to be left alone, I didnt want to be without anyone at all for a whole week. 


I still have the hat that was given to me when I found out I was pregnant. Some old ladies made them and gave them to the hospital's OBGYN unit. The outfit I wore home from the hospital for that procedure I was never able to wear again. It sat in my drawer for 3 years before I finally gave it away. I still think about what the baby (I believe it was a boy) would have looked like. I wonder what it would have been like to hold him and what he would be like today. No amount of time will ever erase the hurt or ever make me forget. He would have just turned 2 in April. I know it was kind of a blessing in disguise considering who I was married to. It does not matter though. That was my child, my baby...and I'll never get to have him. Today, I am blessed with 2 beautiful children. I love them with all of my soul and I hope I never lose one of them. I don't cry about it much anymore. When it crosses my mind, I still feel sad though. I'm sure a day many years from now may come and it may hurt less, but I dont think it will ever go away completely.